today I am incredibly torn. this week actually. I am torn because Kate is starting school within the next couple of weeks-- and although I really want her to go because she has so very much fun, I am pouting because I will miss her. I don't want her to grow up. Yet I want Ella to grow up. This season has been so challenging in so many ways. I am really missing nursing. I miss every single thing about it. I miss the cuddle time, the connection, the quickness and simpleness of it. I miss waking up and getting to lie down while I nurse her. I miss falling asleep with her. The fact is, the things i am missing I never really got to experience with her. I got to experience part of it, but never the whole package. I can only remember a few times that I went away thinking "this was a good nursing session". It was a struggle the whole time. Latching, unlatching, switching positions, waking her up...etc.
This week I am facing confusion with Ella. She gets so unhappy. I am not used to her unfrequent bowel movements, though she has really good wet diapers. She seems to need more milk but she spits up so frequently. She hardly ever gets tummy time. She's been waking up at 12 am now and 6. I don't go to bed until 11 usually because I pump one last time before, and I wake up again at 2:30. I go to bed late so that I can get the dishes done. That has been hard. I am starting to get anxious about harvest. It is really hard to juggle all of this. And of course making it worse it my milk supply. I have to work so hard at it. Why is it so low? Why can't I just get 4-5 oz each time and get to sleep through the night? In order to get all of her oz in each day, I have to wake up to get that extra 4oz because if I sleep through the night, I lose at least 2 oz. I just remember having lots of milk with Kate-- i didn't even have to try. Why did I have to spend so much time pumping just to get half of what she needs? Why can't I pump for 15 minutes like everyone else? Instead, its 30 minutes. What will I do when Polly leaves? I'm anxious about school, and beets. What will I do with the kids when I have to bring kate to school? When will I pump? Will I have to wake them up and bring them along so that I can drive kate a couple blocks to school? When will I nurse? I always nurse Ella for the day at 7am. I can't give up nursing. Even if it's just once a day.
I have to tell myself it's just two or three more months until maybe she will grow out of the spitting up, the constant complaining, she'll get more baby food, and maybe she'll be happier. By then, harvest will be done and I won't feel like I am doing this alone.
I just feel like a basketcase right now. I just want to not care about all of this, but it is so dear to my heart. I get so frustrated with Ella, yet when she smiles, it's the sweetest thing. Ah, tomorrow is a new day.