Monday, August 27, 2012

a tribute to little kate

You would think Kate is being sent away somewhere for months from the way I've been acting the last couple of weeks. I began thinking about it in July... but it really hit me in August that I only had one month left with my munchkin.  Now, somehow, it has turned into a WEEK- and again, I am a wreck. It has been so unfortunate on my part the changes that have occurred this year. I already had to give up breastfeeding which was heartbreaking to me, (however I still enjoy once a day a short session, which has been a blessing) Polly is leaving, which will be a huge change for me. It has been so helpful and I will miss her being around, and now Kate, my oldest, is going to school.

I decided that I am going to be taking more photos. I have been looking through the photos on my blog especially and the printed photos at home and have loved every minute of it. SUCH MEMORIES! It makes me so happy to know how I prioritized photos and at the same time so sad that I haven't gotten much of Ella these past 4 months. So with that regret, I am making it a goal and being intentional about bringing my camera along everywhere we go.

When I look through these pictures, tears start to come. I so wish I could pick her up as a baby, hold her, snuggle her, and nurse her. She is 5 now... and those five years have gone so quickly. The next five will go quickly too. I just can't believe it.  Where did the time go ?  Kate was my happiest  baby.  She hardly cried, and I mean that. I look at her little body and wonder if she got the nourishment she needed and then I remember that i had the most milk with her, and she was the most content. She was so active-- both Ella and Maddy combined as babies could not even do half the things kate did!  And not that the other children mean any less to us, but little Kate was our only little girl for awhile and I was so protective of her. She was my life.  Seriously, I could do the ugly cry right now.  I remember how special it was to nurse her. It was a joy to visit her little room during the early hours of the night to nurse her. We would both fall asleep, her in my arms and wake up next to each other in the morning.  Peter and I would race-crawl in the house with her when she got older and she always had a smile on her face. It is funny to me how Ella, now as a baby, resembles kate in so many ways, yet at the same time reminds us of Maddy.

I have a bit of work to do this year. I feel like my main focus has always been trying to keep up with the house and how I can get this done and that done. Not that absolutely every moment and focus should be on the kids... but I am a stay at home MOM, not stay at home house cleaner! Kate going to school has really put into perspective just how I need to really cherish the times with  my kids. I want her so badly to stay home with me.... but at the same time, i'm so very scared and intimidated about teaching her and eventually i would love for her to be the light that shines for others. I am the perfect example of how going to school saved me--which is not the outcome for most but some do find friends that take them to church and really help plant seeds. I want kate to be that person!  More photo and more outside help with cleaning!  This has turned into basically a journal entry.... but it will be sweet to read at another time, remember the raw feelings I felt.  I am so thankful for my children and want to spend more time in prayer for them.  Thank you Lord for my family!


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