There's been so many times I think about writing and then forget. Or, simply, I don't have time. I feel like the stretch of super business is finally over, only to draw right into harvest! It doesn't have to be busy.... well, yeah, it will. It's not exactly busier for me throughout the day..... just at night I suppose when Peter is gone. I usually spend a good 45 minutes to an hour with Ella before bed, and Peter takes care of baths, snacks, and putting the older two to bed. I nurse, and then feed, then rock, and then pump. I'm going to have to figure out a different way to do this if he is going to be working later every night :( Yet, I don't want to always have to give up nursing..... because of it being SO busy the last couple weeks, Ella will only nurse on one side. She keeps spitting it out and then trying to latch on... she gets frustrated when it doesn't come out fast. This morning though I enjoyed snuggling in bed with her and nursing her for a good 5 minutes and then holding her hand. I've unfortunately noticed that the whole week I was getting a good extra half an ounce to an ounce has slowly disappeared. Once in a while I get more than I "should" but not lately. It's kind of a disappointment. Peter says he can't wait until 6 months of Ella's life so that I can be done pumping. It has been stressful on all of us. I just don't know how I could give it up. I can't explain it, but it is just an attachment I have...and letting go of that is like letting go a little part of Ella! If only I had more milk. Yet I make just enough for her..... why do I stress about it!
It will be nice, though, when I can be done. I just only feel better about it when she is 10 months or older. Even then I have a hard time letting it go. I am excited (really excited) when i can have more time to exercise, read, and mostly sleep. Play with the kids........ be with peter.... more time to keep the house looking better... I think i just need to be in prayer more that it is just a short time in life, and to enjoy it as much as I can!! My attitude is going to shape this whole summer. I am blessed! Sheesh, I have three healthy girls!
Today we got up, had breakfast, and went for a walk to the post office and to the store. Kate had colored some pictures for someone and wanted to mail it to them. So i let her write out her address and we got the stamps and she put it on and mailed it herself. Then this morning we came home and made out own pizzas. Both of them rolled it out and decorated with their fav. toppings. I want to be intentional these days to just enjoy my beauties. They are super precious!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
go BIG or go home
Today is the start of some changes.
Well, I think that is all for now. I feel like all I ever talk about to any and everyone is my pumping experience. Well, that is a huge focus for me right now and basically takes the front seat - Ella does. I have also honestly surrendered my guilt of not being able to do everything on my wish list each day. If we don't eat breakfast til after 9 am, that's OKAY. (I've found that a lot of moms do that, and they don't even have to do nurse and pump and etc like me!) It's also okay if they watch t.v. a little more than I'm used to. It's just a season. I think though, once Kate goes to kindergarten I am going to be a mess. I'm praying that I can really enjoy{them} in a new perspective each day. God's perspective.
- I am starting a new herbal supplement called MothersLove. It's supposed to yield more milk, so here's to hoping for another half oz to an ounce. That would be sweet.
- I am also writing as I pump from my newly rented hospital grade pump. We forked over $70 for this thing in hopes of an increase to my supply. Per month.
- I just made some lactation cookies. The reviews said it really works, so hopefully I don't just end up getting fat. I did cut out half of the sugar and added some barley, too.
- Still drinking my 3 cups a day of "Mothers Milk" tea. Though for a refreshing twist, I've added some peppermint leaves. Yum. Oh, and of course the french vanilla coconut creamer.
Well, I think that is all for now. I feel like all I ever talk about to any and everyone is my pumping experience. Well, that is a huge focus for me right now and basically takes the front seat - Ella does. I have also honestly surrendered my guilt of not being able to do everything on my wish list each day. If we don't eat breakfast til after 9 am, that's OKAY. (I've found that a lot of moms do that, and they don't even have to do nurse and pump and etc like me!) It's also okay if they watch t.v. a little more than I'm used to. It's just a season. I think though, once Kate goes to kindergarten I am going to be a mess. I'm praying that I can really enjoy{them} in a new perspective each day. God's perspective.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
sacrifice
I sadly did not know the meaning of sacrifice..........before Ella. That seems to be the main theme this last year. I have been reminded about it numerous times, one being at Ella's baby shower. It all started in the womb. I was constantly battling cramps, scary cramps, at just 19 weeks. No bleeding or anything, just awful cramps. With that, came extreme uncomfortableness, and depression. I know I was depressed. There were times I would sit and just stare, and cry, lots. I felt very alone as at this point in time Peter was in beets. I felt alone spiritually, bitter at God that he had deserted me and left me to feel this way during pregnancy. My once toned body was changing, I was tired all the time, etc. I slowly fell in and out of this pattern - disappointed and desperate to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.
The last four weeks were exceptionally uncomfortable. I had troubles falling asleep, and Ella would kick often, and hard making it impossible to stay asleep even if I was incredibly tired. There was just something about this pregnancy that seemed totally different. Everything was much harder, and people assured me it was because I had two others at home.
I always worried, of course that something might be wrong with the baby. It seems with more pregnancies, the more worried I got. Down syndrome, among other things were high on the worry list. I remember one time as we were driving, Peter told me we should remember the cost of diapers and etc for the new baby and I thought to myself "lord willing, if we have a baby". It seemed to be always in my thoughts and I knew it was sinful to have such a spirit of fear and worry, yet I just couldn't let go of it, even after lots and lots of prayer. One morning at church, our pastor gave us a time of prayer, and the topic was "trials". I remember him asking us to think of a trial we are in, or about to face, that we need to ask Gods help in. Like always, I closed my eyes and waited for God to nudge something into my mind. Usually this happened with visions of words or phrases. This time it was a single word. Baby.
I remember my shoulders dropping very heavily and I let out a sigh of disappointment and heartache. No.... not the baby, I thought. I had just a month to go, and again, the spirit of fear was upon me. I was careful not to say anything to peter, and as I brought this up in my small group, they assured me it didn't have to mean HEALTH. It could mean that the switch to three children could be a trial and challenge. So, I went with that.
Nursing was always such a sweet thing to me. It was always given that I would just get to nurse. Nursing was natural, and it was something also I had taken for granted with the other two, or so it seems. I know thats not necessarily true, because there were many many times I stroked my girls' faces while nursing, thinking how precious it was to be able to provide nourishment for them. To see them grow. It was such a special time for me. When I had troubles nursing Ella, it was completely devastating to me. It still is. Not only have I lost the one connection that is not replaceable, it is SO much work to pump. I can't even tell you. I have/had cried so many tears when Ella was screaming in hunger and I had to strap on my pumping bra and all my 'attachments' before I could answer her hunger pains with a BOTTLE. A bottle first of pumped milk, my milk at least, along with an ounce or two of formula. I thought by now i would get the hang of this, get into a routine or SOMETHING. But it is equally exhausting as the first day. I am getting the same amount of sleep, same number of pumps, the same amount of time away from the kids, meals, etc. I have a hard time keeping up with housework, and most of the time I just roll with it, trying to keep up. Sometimes it is depressing.
Yesterday was one of those times where it was hectic, yet I tried to keep a good attitude. Ella was the fussiest I think she's ever been. She must have had gas. We tried going for a walk with the family, and to spend time together doing fun things. Peter got tired on the couch, I had only one hour until I had to pump next so we really needed to get going if we were going to have some family fun. We started our walk; Ella was uncomfortable and whining. We had troubles finishing our walk b/c she was fussy and when we got home, she wouldn't stop crying! I had to pump, so i encouraged the kids to get some goldfish to bring into the living room, and i assured them I would do some of their crafts while I pumped. I think you have to be creative if you are going to make pumping work. It was 8:15, they needed a snack before bed and they wanted attention. I had to also pump, so this is how I could make it work. Doing all three at once, a moms point of view. Ella was screaming in peters lap, he was beyond frustrated and just set her down and walked away, also mad that the kids were eating in the living room. I shouted to him as he brought them into the kitchen.. I HAVE TO PUMP! this is how i have to make it work! The kids ate their snack and instead of pumping I tried to nurse Ella. She got enough breastmilk to settle down and fall asleep, both her and I satisfied in our session and again, I strapped the pump on and began to pump. In enough time for the girls to finish their snack and come into the living room so I could read 3 books to them... quietly, because Ella was sleeping. After finishing pumping, Peter brushed their teeth and I read one more book to them. I came into the living room at about 9:10 and Ella was stirring, ready to eat. So I picked her up, fed her, put her to bed, washed bottles, put away dishes, washed up, pumped again, ready for bed.. No shower. Sacrifice. Every last bit of energy and time are for my kids. I woke up at 2:30am, nursed Ella-- this seemed like the best nurse session yet, though she drank continually, it seemed her latch still wasn't quite right as it sort of hurt. She nursed for 7 minutes on my right, and then I coaxed her to nurse on my left side while lying down and that seemed to work best for her since the left is definitely not a preferred side! I felt her latch was better, until she spit it out and fell asleep at peace. I put her to bed, pumped for another half hour, and went to bed. She woke up 2 hours later and I fed her the rest of the bottle I pumped plus an ounce that was in the fridge. I am thinking she hardly got over an ounce but i'll never know. Then now, at 6:30 I am pumping again. I'll try to go to sleep and wake up to maybe nurse/pump, breakfast, and hope to get a shower in. This is my season, and i am praying that God will reveal his love to me in a special way since it gets so tiring. My hope is that I will have and continue to have a love for my kids that isn't full of resentment or bitterness from all the work I have to do for them. I'm praying for a miracle with nursing.... it would make things so much easier! Please pray with me!
The last four weeks were exceptionally uncomfortable. I had troubles falling asleep, and Ella would kick often, and hard making it impossible to stay asleep even if I was incredibly tired. There was just something about this pregnancy that seemed totally different. Everything was much harder, and people assured me it was because I had two others at home.
I always worried, of course that something might be wrong with the baby. It seems with more pregnancies, the more worried I got. Down syndrome, among other things were high on the worry list. I remember one time as we were driving, Peter told me we should remember the cost of diapers and etc for the new baby and I thought to myself "lord willing, if we have a baby". It seemed to be always in my thoughts and I knew it was sinful to have such a spirit of fear and worry, yet I just couldn't let go of it, even after lots and lots of prayer. One morning at church, our pastor gave us a time of prayer, and the topic was "trials". I remember him asking us to think of a trial we are in, or about to face, that we need to ask Gods help in. Like always, I closed my eyes and waited for God to nudge something into my mind. Usually this happened with visions of words or phrases. This time it was a single word. Baby.
I remember my shoulders dropping very heavily and I let out a sigh of disappointment and heartache. No.... not the baby, I thought. I had just a month to go, and again, the spirit of fear was upon me. I was careful not to say anything to peter, and as I brought this up in my small group, they assured me it didn't have to mean HEALTH. It could mean that the switch to three children could be a trial and challenge. So, I went with that.
Nursing was always such a sweet thing to me. It was always given that I would just get to nurse. Nursing was natural, and it was something also I had taken for granted with the other two, or so it seems. I know thats not necessarily true, because there were many many times I stroked my girls' faces while nursing, thinking how precious it was to be able to provide nourishment for them. To see them grow. It was such a special time for me. When I had troubles nursing Ella, it was completely devastating to me. It still is. Not only have I lost the one connection that is not replaceable, it is SO much work to pump. I can't even tell you. I have/had cried so many tears when Ella was screaming in hunger and I had to strap on my pumping bra and all my 'attachments' before I could answer her hunger pains with a BOTTLE. A bottle first of pumped milk, my milk at least, along with an ounce or two of formula. I thought by now i would get the hang of this, get into a routine or SOMETHING. But it is equally exhausting as the first day. I am getting the same amount of sleep, same number of pumps, the same amount of time away from the kids, meals, etc. I have a hard time keeping up with housework, and most of the time I just roll with it, trying to keep up. Sometimes it is depressing.
Yesterday was one of those times where it was hectic, yet I tried to keep a good attitude. Ella was the fussiest I think she's ever been. She must have had gas. We tried going for a walk with the family, and to spend time together doing fun things. Peter got tired on the couch, I had only one hour until I had to pump next so we really needed to get going if we were going to have some family fun. We started our walk; Ella was uncomfortable and whining. We had troubles finishing our walk b/c she was fussy and when we got home, she wouldn't stop crying! I had to pump, so i encouraged the kids to get some goldfish to bring into the living room, and i assured them I would do some of their crafts while I pumped. I think you have to be creative if you are going to make pumping work. It was 8:15, they needed a snack before bed and they wanted attention. I had to also pump, so this is how I could make it work. Doing all three at once, a moms point of view. Ella was screaming in peters lap, he was beyond frustrated and just set her down and walked away, also mad that the kids were eating in the living room. I shouted to him as he brought them into the kitchen.. I HAVE TO PUMP! this is how i have to make it work! The kids ate their snack and instead of pumping I tried to nurse Ella. She got enough breastmilk to settle down and fall asleep, both her and I satisfied in our session and again, I strapped the pump on and began to pump. In enough time for the girls to finish their snack and come into the living room so I could read 3 books to them... quietly, because Ella was sleeping. After finishing pumping, Peter brushed their teeth and I read one more book to them. I came into the living room at about 9:10 and Ella was stirring, ready to eat. So I picked her up, fed her, put her to bed, washed bottles, put away dishes, washed up, pumped again, ready for bed.. No shower. Sacrifice. Every last bit of energy and time are for my kids. I woke up at 2:30am, nursed Ella-- this seemed like the best nurse session yet, though she drank continually, it seemed her latch still wasn't quite right as it sort of hurt. She nursed for 7 minutes on my right, and then I coaxed her to nurse on my left side while lying down and that seemed to work best for her since the left is definitely not a preferred side! I felt her latch was better, until she spit it out and fell asleep at peace. I put her to bed, pumped for another half hour, and went to bed. She woke up 2 hours later and I fed her the rest of the bottle I pumped plus an ounce that was in the fridge. I am thinking she hardly got over an ounce but i'll never know. Then now, at 6:30 I am pumping again. I'll try to go to sleep and wake up to maybe nurse/pump, breakfast, and hope to get a shower in. This is my season, and i am praying that God will reveal his love to me in a special way since it gets so tiring. My hope is that I will have and continue to have a love for my kids that isn't full of resentment or bitterness from all the work I have to do for them. I'm praying for a miracle with nursing.... it would make things so much easier! Please pray with me!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
a gain
Right now it is 11 a.m. and I am pumping while with watching my 4, almost 5 year old hold my newborn baby in her arms while watching cartoons. It is such a sweet site and I wish I had my camera with me. For now I am content with just looking and remembering it. Maddy sat along with her, giving her sweet kisses while she slurped her bottle happily. Ella keeps looking up at kate in what seems like amazement and Kate's hand cradles her head. I am blessed.
The weekend was so fun, I was so incredibly happy and felt so grateful. I should have known it would follow by a Satan-stricken day the day after. Sunday I woke up on the wrong side of bed, not exactly crabby but feeling worthless, ugly, and of course reminded of my post baby weight. Getting ready for church is not always fun when nothing fits how you would like it to, or remember anyway. It was also sad to me that we had to miss being in our worship team the last two sundays. It's just too hard. I napped though for an hour or so after lunch and showered, too...and I felt like a new person!
Yesterday was clearly a big day. This time we did not bring kids - which was a relief. I remember undressing Ella to get weighed thinking..."this is it, this is the big weigh in". We set her down, and voila, 9 pounds 15 oz. A whole pound. In my mind I thought she gained for sure, but didn't expect a whole pound! What a praise. I mostly feared cystic fibrosis, and even the thought of a metabolic disorder was scary. I was so discouraged last week. I began having thoughts of my milk supply and how it might not be sufficient for her. I began drinking less water and really not caring much about it. It was nice to go to a doctor that gave me a pep talk about how water is extremely important and encouraged me to keep going. I tried nursing her yesterday. I felt her hard suck, but it was going no where. I think if I want to make it work i need to work one-on-one with a Lactation consultant. I am not too sad anymore but I want to remember giving it my all before I close the door on it. It just seems so much work to try and nurse, pump after, and then feed her a bottle. That is twice what I am doing now... I'll have to make a decision. I think even if I could nurse her morning and night, that would be so nice. I hate, HATE, having to pump all the time, but hoping after a couple months it will get better.
Well, that's all for now. My pumping session is done and I better get lunch started!
The weekend was so fun, I was so incredibly happy and felt so grateful. I should have known it would follow by a Satan-stricken day the day after. Sunday I woke up on the wrong side of bed, not exactly crabby but feeling worthless, ugly, and of course reminded of my post baby weight. Getting ready for church is not always fun when nothing fits how you would like it to, or remember anyway. It was also sad to me that we had to miss being in our worship team the last two sundays. It's just too hard. I napped though for an hour or so after lunch and showered, too...and I felt like a new person! 
Yesterday was clearly a big day. This time we did not bring kids - which was a relief. I remember undressing Ella to get weighed thinking..."this is it, this is the big weigh in". We set her down, and voila, 9 pounds 15 oz. A whole pound. In my mind I thought she gained for sure, but didn't expect a whole pound! What a praise. I mostly feared cystic fibrosis, and even the thought of a metabolic disorder was scary. I was so discouraged last week. I began having thoughts of my milk supply and how it might not be sufficient for her. I began drinking less water and really not caring much about it. It was nice to go to a doctor that gave me a pep talk about how water is extremely important and encouraged me to keep going. I tried nursing her yesterday. I felt her hard suck, but it was going no where. I think if I want to make it work i need to work one-on-one with a Lactation consultant. I am not too sad anymore but I want to remember giving it my all before I close the door on it. It just seems so much work to try and nurse, pump after, and then feed her a bottle. That is twice what I am doing now... I'll have to make a decision. I think even if I could nurse her morning and night, that would be so nice. I hate, HATE, having to pump all the time, but hoping after a couple months it will get better.Well, that's all for now. My pumping session is done and I better get lunch started!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
rest
I have so many emotions running through me right now. It has been another rollercoaster weekend. Sunday I spent most of the day crying and trying to get Ella to nurse. I believe Friday and Saturday were struggle days too, with some good feedings. I went to the doctor Thursday to bring Ella in for a weigh-in. I left humongously excited, and hopeful. Ella had gained 5 ounces! She had gained, and was doing well. I remember thinking I didn't have to wake her up every 4 hours, I could do a 5 hour stretch and then feed her 3 hours after. So I did that. I quit pumping after because she had been gaining.1.5 I think that is where it began. I had more problems on my left breast... she wouldn't nurse. I feel like her thrush was still bothering her - I was feeling full at night that week I remember... suddenly Thursday I was not so full and she did not drink the best on that left side again. Friday and Saturday night I noticed a drop in my milk supply at night. When I pumped, I pumped less. Ella was waking up more during the night, and of course has been fussy from the start. Why? Because she was hungry... at least more so this last week.
Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. I nursed Ella on both sides... she did fairly good, drinking a full 10 minutes on one side, and nursing fair on the left. I was encouraged. Of course she was fussy, but we ate breakfast, went out the door and I played with the kids. Ella fell asleep, like she normally does when she is fussy. Every time though I would let her try to nurse more, she'd fall asleep, so I assumed she just loved to suck. So we'd give her a pacifier.
The girls and I went for a walk; I had Ella in her snugly and we went to the park near our house. I put maddy in the baby swing and I had a flashback of her at 6 months... her rolls, her toothless huge smile, and a white hat on her. I teared up thinking about how much they've both grown... how big they are getting.
I thought... "I really need to invest in them... not the house, not in fancy meals.. in them". So we went back home to get the camera and went for another walk.
I brought the kids.... after-all... this will be short. It's just a check up to give her stronger meds. And a weight gain... I wonder how much she gained these last few days? When we arrived, I had pumped out about 2 ounces... and had a half an ounce left over from pumping in the morning. I asked to go into a room so I could nurse, and I got about 5 minutes of poor nursing in before a knock on the door directed us to check her weight. Ok. I was kinda dissappointed, -- I had to feed her. Anyway, we got her undressed, diaper off... on the scale. 8 pounds, 7.2 ounces. 4 whole ounces down from last Thursday. How can this be? The scale must be wrong, I thought. I even said it outloud. The nurse shrugged and said the scale cannot be wrong and told me to wait for the dr. to come in. When she did, she looked at me as if I was a new mother and needed direction on how to feed my child. She was very concerned, and said she should be well over her birth weight. Which she should. But she had a weight gain last week, we were working on it. She replied saying "the bare minimum though". I started to cry. This would be about the 100th time ive cried in two days most likely. She said we should check out thrush, recheck weight (I insisted) and then she would need to get blood drawn to make sure she is not dehydrated and that her kidneys are working. Two hours later, we were out of there, and my poor kids sat there the whole time.
We discussed that i need to give her 3 oz every 3 hours until I bring her in on Wednesday. I might need to bring her in twice a week for weight checks and continue to feed her this amount. However I could get her the amount of fluids was up to me, but I needed to. I obviously had to pump a couple times. and then nurse, pump, and feed her the rest, and probably additional. Nursing didn't go well. It had earlier in the day... but now it wasn't. How? All along, she preferred a faster flow, and I just didn't have that for her. I never did.
It has been a huge exhausting month for me. Ups, downs, victories, and lots of pain both physically and emotionally. Right now I am nursing for 5 minutes on each side, which results in a fairly good feeding on my right side, not so good on my left. But the only reason I am doing this is so that she does not forget how to nurse... JUST in case I can get my milk supply up, and she can get a stronger suck, maybe she can nurse well after a few weeks? I am hopeful. But then I realize quickly how much work it is to nurse, pump, feed, every two or three hours, keep up my drinking and eating, and rest. I am afraid to do housework because that might hurt my supply, afraid to go for walks with the kids.. all of my time is going to be devoted to Ella. That just isn't fair. I have two other kids to care for , play with and love. It makes me cry every time just thinking about it, and I know that is also not good for my milk supply. Please pray with me that i can get my milk supply up so that this can be easier. Kate goes to kindergarten next year... I have to really relish these next few months with my kids. When I have to spend time with Ella which is important, I feel guilty that they are playing themselves. When they go to grandmas or someone watches them for me, I feel even more guilty. I want to be with them. I miss the good old days when I could be with them, just didn't have energy to be active with them because of being pregnant. one thing i thought id never say....i wish i was pregnant again ---ABOUT A MONTH LEFT, SO I COULD BE WITH MY GIRLS and start over with ella. Moms out there.... be with yours kids as much as possible!!! Everything else can wait.
Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. I nursed Ella on both sides... she did fairly good, drinking a full 10 minutes on one side, and nursing fair on the left. I was encouraged. Of course she was fussy, but we ate breakfast, went out the door and I played with the kids. Ella fell asleep, like she normally does when she is fussy. Every time though I would let her try to nurse more, she'd fall asleep, so I assumed she just loved to suck. So we'd give her a pacifier.
The girls and I went for a walk; I had Ella in her snugly and we went to the park near our house. I put maddy in the baby swing and I had a flashback of her at 6 months... her rolls, her toothless huge smile, and a white hat on her. I teared up thinking about how much they've both grown... how big they are getting.I thought... "I really need to invest in them... not the house, not in fancy meals.. in them". So we went back home to get the camera and went for another walk.
This time we went across the street on the hill we sled in, and I
watched them roll, run, and skip down the hill while I sang to them.
Ella was still fast asleep. Making memories, and i loved it. It was
time to get back home to nurse Ella. She ate fairly well again, or so I
thought anyway. I called to see when I could bring her in for her thrush
that I thought was not clearing up, and they had an opening at 1:15.
I brought the kids.... after-all... this will be short. It's just a check up to give her stronger meds. And a weight gain... I wonder how much she gained these last few days? When we arrived, I had pumped out about 2 ounces... and had a half an ounce left over from pumping in the morning. I asked to go into a room so I could nurse, and I got about 5 minutes of poor nursing in before a knock on the door directed us to check her weight. Ok. I was kinda dissappointed, -- I had to feed her. Anyway, we got her undressed, diaper off... on the scale. 8 pounds, 7.2 ounces. 4 whole ounces down from last Thursday. How can this be? The scale must be wrong, I thought. I even said it outloud. The nurse shrugged and said the scale cannot be wrong and told me to wait for the dr. to come in. When she did, she looked at me as if I was a new mother and needed direction on how to feed my child. She was very concerned, and said she should be well over her birth weight. Which she should. But she had a weight gain last week, we were working on it. She replied saying "the bare minimum though". I started to cry. This would be about the 100th time ive cried in two days most likely. She said we should check out thrush, recheck weight (I insisted) and then she would need to get blood drawn to make sure she is not dehydrated and that her kidneys are working. Two hours later, we were out of there, and my poor kids sat there the whole time.
We discussed that i need to give her 3 oz every 3 hours until I bring her in on Wednesday. I might need to bring her in twice a week for weight checks and continue to feed her this amount. However I could get her the amount of fluids was up to me, but I needed to. I obviously had to pump a couple times. and then nurse, pump, and feed her the rest, and probably additional. Nursing didn't go well. It had earlier in the day... but now it wasn't. How? All along, she preferred a faster flow, and I just didn't have that for her. I never did.
It has been a huge exhausting month for me. Ups, downs, victories, and lots of pain both physically and emotionally. Right now I am nursing for 5 minutes on each side, which results in a fairly good feeding on my right side, not so good on my left. But the only reason I am doing this is so that she does not forget how to nurse... JUST in case I can get my milk supply up, and she can get a stronger suck, maybe she can nurse well after a few weeks? I am hopeful. But then I realize quickly how much work it is to nurse, pump, feed, every two or three hours, keep up my drinking and eating, and rest. I am afraid to do housework because that might hurt my supply, afraid to go for walks with the kids.. all of my time is going to be devoted to Ella. That just isn't fair. I have two other kids to care for , play with and love. It makes me cry every time just thinking about it, and I know that is also not good for my milk supply. Please pray with me that i can get my milk supply up so that this can be easier. Kate goes to kindergarten next year... I have to really relish these next few months with my kids. When I have to spend time with Ella which is important, I feel guilty that they are playing themselves. When they go to grandmas or someone watches them for me, I feel even more guilty. I want to be with them. I miss the good old days when I could be with them, just didn't have energy to be active with them because of being pregnant. one thing i thought id never say....i wish i was pregnant again ---ABOUT A MONTH LEFT, SO I COULD BE WITH MY GIRLS and start over with ella. Moms out there.... be with yours kids as much as possible!!! Everything else can wait.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
thrush
It has been a quick, long month... if that makes sense. Quick because Ella is almost one month old! How did that happen? Long, because it truly has been a long month. Ella is still not good at nursing... and we still have thrush. I wonder if we got it soon after I left the hospital? If so, that is almost 3 weeks of thrush. That is a long time.... and it seems so hard to get rid of. I just don't understand it. I am sanitizing, though hopefully for the correct amount of time, I am changing my pads as often as I can bare (they are expensive, you know!) I am taking Diflucan, genetian violet, antifungal cream for me, Ella is taking Nystatin cream on her bottom, and the solution for her mouth. I am rubbing it in with a little finger toothbrush and we are both taking acidopholus pills (ella is doing the powder) I'm also taking Fenugreek 3x a day. I have looked on the internet obsessively... yet we still can't get rid of it. It's been a least a week since we were "diagnosed" but i know we've had it longer. I first saw the creamy tongue at least 4 days prior. If anyone has ideas for me........ please comment! Desperate.
I'm going to take a nap now... we've had such a busy week. Tomorrow I get Ella weighed. I'm so praying that it is normal now so that I don't have to keep setting my alarm during the night. I know, 3 hours of sleep is a good stretch, but when we're up for an hour or more twice a night, (lately she's been sleeping with me so I don't get much quality rest) it gets wearing. I am praying she can eventually get to be an efficient nurser... if not... I'm not sure how long I can do this. Shooting for 3 months. I guess I have 2 months to go before I either just pump until my milk supply goes down or we go to formula. I don't want either... pray for me!
I'm going to take a nap now... we've had such a busy week. Tomorrow I get Ella weighed. I'm so praying that it is normal now so that I don't have to keep setting my alarm during the night. I know, 3 hours of sleep is a good stretch, but when we're up for an hour or more twice a night, (lately she's been sleeping with me so I don't get much quality rest) it gets wearing. I am praying she can eventually get to be an efficient nurser... if not... I'm not sure how long I can do this. Shooting for 3 months. I guess I have 2 months to go before I either just pump until my milk supply goes down or we go to formula. I don't want either... pray for me!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Meet Ella
It has been way too long since I last posted. Over two weeks I am sure. But our little baby girl Ella is here! We were really surprised that we had another girl, but oh so joyful and excited at the same time! She was born April 21st, at 10:28 p.m. No, I didn't go in naturally... I was induced a week early. It turns out I was dilated to 4.5 when I went in, and I was leaking amniotic fluid as expected. I was pretty sure I was leaking, but at the same time I didn't want to drive all the way to the hospital and be wrong and have to come back home. Turns out, I was exactly right, and since I had Strep B., she had to come out as soon as possible or there was a risk of transmitting the bacteria to her.
We got there about 1p or slightly after, by 2:20 or so, we received info that I'd be staying. I was very thankful we packed most of our things *just in case*. They started everything around 3, and for about two hours I just kind of layed there dormant. Nothing was happening at all, just some inconvenient cramps. This is was normally happens when I get induced, and I knew if there was any water left to break, they need to break it so things could get moving. By 6 I had some regular contractions, by 8 I got the epidural -- sadly the pain wasn't even that bad, I just really wanted to be comfortable. Instead it really didn't help a whole lot because I ended up not being able to breath very well. At 10pm, I finally convinced them to break the rest of my water, which ended up not being very much, but once it was broken, I went from a 6 to a 10 in about 10 minutes. I then felt the urge to push like I did with Madelyn, and I just remember feeling excited. Like, "this is about to happen!". I felt strong urges to push and they advised me not to. We did a couple of practice pushes to see if I'd make any progress and within once push they saw a head and told me to quit! I remember crying a little bit because as I pushed, it hurt and I was shivering and uncomfortable. As I pushed they told me the baby had big shoulders and I definitely felt that! Finally I felt relief and they announced proudly and loudly that it was a girl! I remember laughing excitedly because we were wrong again. When they put her on my chest she didn't seem to look like either of our girls. She was our Ella.
The best part of the whole day, besides the birth of Ella, was watching Peter as he cut the chord. His faced was filled with emotion and love. I continued to watch him as he followed the nurse to see how much Ella weighed. He was looking down on her in admiration, following her every move like a lost puppy. I just loved it. I watched him the whole time. Even now, it is so fun to see him come home from work, hug and kiss the girls, and then come straight to Ella. What a proud dad.
To be continued....
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