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I have so many emotions running through me right now. It has been another rollercoaster weekend.  Sunday I spent most of the day crying and trying to get Ella to nurse. I believe Friday and Saturday were struggle days too, with some good feedings. I went to the doctor Thursday to bring Ella in for a weigh-in. I left humongously excited, and hopeful. Ella had gained 5 ounces! She had gained, and was doing well. I remember thinking I didn't have to wake her up every 4 hours, I could do a 5 hour stretch and then feed her 3 hours after. So I did that.  I quit pumping after because she had been gaining.1.5  I think that is where it began. I had more problems on my left breast... she wouldn't nurse. I feel like her thrush was still bothering her - I was feeling full at night that week I remember... suddenly Thursday I was not so full and she did not drink the best on that left side again. Friday and Saturday night I noticed a drop in my milk supply at night. When I pumped, I pumped less. Ella was waking up more during the night, and of course has been fussy from the start.  Why? Because she was hungry... at least more so this last week.


Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. I nursed Ella on both sides... she did fairly good, drinking a full 10 minutes on one side, and nursing fair on the left. I was encouraged. Of course she was fussy, but we ate breakfast, went out the door and I played with the kids. Ella fell asleep, like she normally does when she is fussy.  Every time though I would let her try to nurse more, she'd fall asleep, so I assumed she just loved to suck.  So we'd give her a pacifier.

 The girls and I went for a walk; I had Ella in her snugly and we went to the park near our house. I put maddy in the baby swing and I had a flashback of her at 6 months... her rolls, her toothless huge smile, and a white hat on her. I teared up thinking about how much they've both grown... how big they are getting.
  I thought... "I really need to invest in them... not the house, not in fancy meals.. in them".  So we went back home to get the camera and went for another walk.

This time we went across the street on the hill we sled in, and I watched them roll, run, and skip down the hill while I sang to them. Ella was still fast asleep. Making memories, and i loved it.  It was time to get back home to nurse Ella. She ate fairly well again, or so I thought anyway. I called to see when I could bring her in for her thrush that I thought was not clearing up, and they had an opening at 1:15.

 I brought the kids.... after-all... this will be short. It's just a check up to give her stronger meds. And a weight gain... I wonder how much she gained these last few days?   When we arrived, I had pumped out about 2 ounces... and had a half an ounce left over from pumping in the morning.  I asked to go into a room so I could nurse, and I got about 5 minutes of poor nursing in before a knock on the door directed us to check her weight.  Ok.  I was kinda dissappointed, -- I had to feed her. Anyway, we got her undressed, diaper off... on the scale.   8 pounds, 7.2 ounces.  4 whole ounces down from last Thursday.  How can this be?  The scale must be wrong, I thought.  I even said it outloud.  The nurse shrugged and said the scale cannot be wrong and told me to wait for the dr. to come in.  When she did, she looked at me as if I was a new mother and needed direction on how to feed my child. She was very concerned, and said she should be well over her birth weight. Which she should.  But she had a weight gain last week, we were working on it.  She replied saying "the bare minimum though". I started to cry.  This would be about the 100th time ive cried in two days most likely. She said we should check out thrush, recheck weight (I insisted) and then she would need to get blood drawn to make sure she is not dehydrated and that her kidneys are working.  Two hours later, we were out of there, and my poor kids sat there the whole time.

We discussed that i need to give her 3 oz every 3 hours until I bring her in on Wednesday. I might need to bring her in twice a week for weight checks and continue to feed her this amount. However I could get her the amount of fluids was up to me, but I needed to. I obviously had to pump a couple times. and then nurse, pump, and feed her the rest, and probably additional. Nursing didn't go well. It had earlier in the day... but now it wasn't. How? All along, she preferred a faster flow, and I just didn't have that for her. I never did.

It has been a huge exhausting month for me. Ups, downs, victories, and lots of pain both physically and emotionally. Right now I am nursing for 5 minutes on each side, which results in a fairly good feeding on my right side, not so good on my left. But the only reason I am doing this is so that she does not forget how to nurse... JUST in case I can get my milk supply up, and she can get a stronger suck, maybe she can nurse well after a few weeks?  I am hopeful. But then I realize quickly how much work it is to nurse, pump, feed, every two or three hours, keep up my drinking and eating, and rest. I am afraid to do housework because that might hurt my supply, afraid to go for walks with the kids.. all of my time is going to be devoted to Ella. That just isn't fair. I have two other kids to care for , play with and love.   It makes me cry every time just thinking about it, and I know that is also not good for my milk supply.   Please pray with me that i can get my milk supply up so that this can be easier. Kate goes to kindergarten next year... I have to really relish these next few months with my kids. When I have to spend time with Ella which is important, I feel guilty that they are playing themselves. When they go to grandmas or someone watches them for me, I feel even more guilty. I want to be with them. I miss the good old days when I could be with them, just didn't have energy to be active with them because of being pregnant.  one thing i thought id never say....i wish i was pregnant again ---ABOUT A MONTH LEFT, SO I COULD BE WITH MY GIRLS and start over with ella.  Moms out there.... be with yours kids as much as possible!!! Everything else can wait.