one day get-away

Right now I am enjoying the quiet.  I know in as little as a few minutes I will be greeting my two oldest in our hotel room. I had a good night's sleep. I got up once to pump at 3am and then again at 7:15 Ella got up again at 6 but I got to sleep quickly after. So now that i'm finished (after 30 minutes of pumping!) I decided to blog during this peaceful time.  Usually at hotels, pumping is not so fun because I have to be super quiet and I'm usually cold. This time, I did well in the dark instead of bumping into things and making loads of noise, and I prayed the whole time. I prayed for my kids, and our time together, for rain which we are in almost desperate need within the next two weeks, etc.   I've come to realize that I only have one more month with Kate left before she goes to kindergarten. I know I will be so crushed, but it's good for her to go. It will be a little harder with Maddy because she won't have her big sister to play with but I'll have to pray harder that I can be more intentional with her and her activities. I got to spend loads of time with just Kate.... so this could be my time with her. Hopefully by then Ella will be old enough to where she isn't as fussy and doesn't need my attention as much. Maybe we can even get some groceries!

Yesterday, like most days, I have zero energy. Plus, Polly (our summer help) is usually so busy with all three families that I don't like to have a strict schedule or things for her to do all of the time. We just took it easy most of the day and especially in the afternoon.  I think once I start sleeping through the night, or even when I just have to get up once, that might make a difference with my energy levels. I thought by now my body would just get used to this, but it hasn't!  Anyway, we had a couple from church over on Sunday, so I tried to clean up any clutter around the house, and luckily on Saturday I made sure to get the kitchen as clean as I possibly could so when Polly came, there really wasn't a whole lot to do besides play with the kids. We are out of a lot of groceries so the only thing I could make was homemade mac and cheese, and I only had gluten free noodles left!  Peter has meetings this morning in Fargo, so we left after Kate and Maddy's swimming lessons and arrived at the hotel to basically give Ella a bath and have a snack and go to bed. The kids got to bed after 10 and I pumped until almost 11 and fell asleep quickly.  Now this morning I promised swimming and I have to figure out how I'll pump, then pack up, and then walk over to the mall for lunch and maybe a little shopping. Then we have to race back home for swimming lessons (hoping we can make it!) and not much time for anything else.  Anyway, as I was getting ready for the hotel, Ella was fussing really bad. It turns out she had pooped (finally) and after her change she still wasn't content. I put her pacifier in and she ever so gently laid her head on my shoulders and closed her eyes.  What a sweet moment! I just sat down and enjoyed her for a bit.  I feel like I need to do a lot more of that!  Soon I will order breakfast, pack, probably pump, swim, and then pump again and then go to the mall.  I hope it goes smooth!

kitchen

I realized that I had blogged a whole bunch about the kitchen, and then when it finally got finished, I never updated! I told a couple people I would send pictures of the cabinets we chose, and instead of uploading to facebook, I decided just to put them on my rarely updated blog.   Ok... here goes.

 detachable faucet:  this faucet is awesome. I only have to clean once instead of a separate sprayer.  It's nice because I can have a strong stream, a shower faucet type spray, a medium spray.

 LOVE OUR SINK!!
deep granite sink with a side for rinsing, which helps so that we put our dishes away right away!! We chose this because often with our old kitchen, we'd hand wash a lot of dishes, but then would leave them in the sink to "dry" instead of dry them ourselves. Now we are forced to!

I loved our old pot rock. Or, at least I loved not having to store them in a cabinet! Peter actually found this one at Lowes. It has a light built right into it so it's storage plus function!

The "island" is our baking center.  It's not done yet though, because we need a power strip along the sides.

Sugars and breakfast fixings.

This was supposed to be just for cookbooks, but I decided to easily store my recipe box along with my mixers for easy access.

Leather::: easy to clean!

love this too! We store all of our cookie sheets, cutting boards, and etc up here. Soooo handy.

pull out cereal cabinet

Half pantry-- all pull out because of how deep it is, and we purposely made it as deep as our fridge. We store all our pastas on the top (labeled, too) and cans, and snacks as well.

Colanders and pot covers

Bench storage for kid things-- coloring books, playdough, and then we decided to put the unused cookbooks to the right.

Our knives are under our utensils so that the kids don't grab for the knives! plus, i hated having them on the wood block.

Pull outs for all of our ziplock baggies and chips and bread on the bottom.

Open storage was supposed to be for plates and etc, but ended up decorational. I dont have a ton of white dishes yet so we'll collect over the years to strictly white.  Below is a sign painted just for me!

 kids can set their own table!

 trestle table for bench seating. also has a built in leaf and extends even more. We can fit 10 people around here! (most are kids)

Intentional

There's been so many times I think about writing and then forget.  Or, simply, I don't have time.  I feel like the stretch of super business is finally over, only to draw right into harvest! It doesn't have to be busy.... well, yeah, it will. It's not exactly busier for me throughout the day..... just at night I suppose when Peter is gone.  I usually spend a good 45 minutes to an hour with Ella before bed, and Peter takes care of baths, snacks, and putting the older two to bed. I nurse, and then feed, then rock, and then pump.  I'm going to have to figure out a different way to do this if he is going to be working later every night :( Yet, I don't want to always have to give up nursing..... because of it being SO busy the last couple weeks, Ella will only nurse on one side. She keeps spitting it out and then trying to latch on... she gets frustrated when it doesn't come out fast.  This morning though I enjoyed snuggling in bed with her and nursing her for a good 5 minutes and then holding her hand.  I've unfortunately noticed that the whole week I was getting a good extra half an ounce to an ounce has slowly disappeared. Once in a while I get more than I "should" but not lately.   It's kind of a disappointment. Peter says he can't wait until 6 months of Ella's life so that I can be done pumping. It has been stressful on all of us.  I just don't know how I could give it up.  I can't explain it, but it is just an attachment I have...and letting go of that is like letting go a little part of Ella! If only I had more milk.  Yet I make just enough for her..... why do I stress about it!

It will be nice, though, when I can be done. I just only feel better about it when she is 10 months or older. Even then I have a hard time letting it go.  I am excited (really excited) when i can have more time to exercise, read, and mostly sleep. Play with the kids........ be with peter.... more time to keep the house looking better...   I think i just need to be in prayer more that it is just a short time in life, and to enjoy it as much as I can!! My attitude is going to shape this whole summer.  I am blessed! Sheesh, I have three healthy girls! 

Today we got up, had breakfast, and went for a walk to the post office and to the store. Kate had colored some pictures for someone and wanted to mail it to them. So i let her write out her address and we got the stamps and she put it on and mailed it herself.  Then this morning we came home and made out own pizzas. Both of them rolled it out and decorated with their fav. toppings.  I want to be intentional these days to just enjoy my beauties.  They are super precious!

go BIG or go home

Today is the start of some changes.

1.  I am starting a new herbal supplement called MothersLove. It's supposed to yield more milk, so here's to hoping for another half oz to an ounce. That would be sweet. 
2. I am also writing as I pump from my newly rented hospital grade pump. We forked over $70 for this thing in hopes of an increase to my supply. Per month.
3. I just made some lactation cookies. The reviews said it really works, so hopefully I don't just end up getting fat. I did cut out half of the sugar and added some barley, too. 
4. Still drinking my 3 cups a day of "Mothers Milk" tea. Though for a refreshing twist, I've added some peppermint leaves. Yum. Oh, and of course the french vanilla coconut creamer. 

I am hoping that some day I can switch to pumping every 3 hours. It sure is nice to nurse Ella, but if she isn't efficient and I don't have all the time in the world to nurse, pump, and bottle feed, I might have to drop it.  I will definitely try to do it 2-3 times a day, but not as many as I'm doing now. Sometimes it's just not possible. It is nice, though. It definitely satisfies "my" needs as a nursing mother.  Every two hours is really hard, and it will get even harder once Peter is busy in the field! I feel like also once Ella gets past this fussy stage, it will also become LOADS easier. She is also, still in our room! I wish she could switch to her crib but because she spits up so much, I am afraid we wouldn't hear her choking (because she does sometimes!) and then I am not sure i would sleep any better than I am now.  We started wrapping her back up in blankets now so that she will sleep better. So far the last 3 nights it's worked, but I want to get her used to sleeping alone, too. For naps, it's almost impossible. I feel like a new mom! This is a totally different experience for me!

Well, I think that is all for now. I feel like all I ever talk about to any and everyone is my pumping experience. Well, that is a huge focus for me right now and basically takes the front seat - Ella does. I have also honestly surrendered my guilt of not being able to do everything on my wish list each day. If we don't eat breakfast til after 9 am, that's OKAY. (I've found that a lot of moms do that, and they don't even have to do nurse and pump and etc like me!)  It's also okay if they watch t.v. a little more than I'm used to. It's just a season.  I think though, once Kate goes to kindergarten I am going to be a mess. I'm praying that I can really enjoy{them} in a new perspective each day. God's perspective.

sacrifice

I sadly did not know the meaning of sacrifice..........before Ella. That seems to be the main theme this last year. I have been reminded about it numerous times, one being at Ella's baby shower.  It all started in the womb. I was constantly battling cramps, scary cramps, at just 19 weeks. No bleeding or anything, just awful cramps. With that, came extreme uncomfortableness, and depression.  I know I was depressed. There were times I would sit and just stare, and cry, lots. I felt very alone as at this point in time Peter was in beets.  I felt alone spiritually, bitter at God that he had deserted me and left me to feel this way during pregnancy. My once toned body was changing, I was tired all the time, etc. I slowly fell in and out of this pattern - disappointed and desperate to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

The last four weeks were exceptionally uncomfortable. I had troubles falling asleep, and Ella would kick often, and hard making it impossible to stay asleep even if I was incredibly tired. There was just something about this pregnancy that seemed totally different. Everything was much harder, and people assured me it was because I had two others at home.

I always worried, of course that something might be wrong with the baby. It seems with more pregnancies, the more worried I got. Down syndrome, among other things were high on the worry list. I remember one time as we were driving, Peter told me we should remember the cost of diapers and etc for the new baby and I thought to myself  "lord willing, if we have a baby".  It seemed to be always in my thoughts and I knew it was sinful to have such a spirit of fear and worry, yet I just couldn't let go of it, even after lots and lots of prayer.   One morning at church, our pastor gave us a time of prayer, and the topic was "trials".  I remember him asking us to think of a trial we are in, or about to face, that we need to ask Gods help in.  Like always, I closed my eyes and waited for God to nudge something into my mind. Usually this happened with visions of words or phrases.  This time it was a single word.   Baby.

I remember my shoulders dropping very heavily and I let out a sigh of disappointment and heartache. No.... not the baby, I thought.  I had just a month to go, and again, the spirit of fear was upon me. I was careful not to say anything to peter, and as I brought this up in my small group, they assured me it didn't have to mean HEALTH. It could mean that the switch to three children could be a trial and challenge.  So, I went with that.

Nursing was always such a sweet thing to me. It was always given that I would just get to nurse.  Nursing was natural, and it was something also I had taken for granted with the other two, or so it seems. I know thats not necessarily true, because there were many many times I stroked my girls' faces while nursing, thinking how precious it was to be able to provide nourishment for them. To see them grow. It was such a special time for me.  When I had troubles nursing Ella, it was completely devastating to me. It still is.  Not only have I lost the one connection that is not replaceable, it is SO  much work to pump. I can't even tell you.  I have/had cried so many tears when Ella was screaming in hunger and I had to strap on my pumping bra and all my 'attachments' before I could answer her hunger pains with a BOTTLE. A bottle first of pumped milk, my milk at least, along with an ounce or two of formula. I thought by now i would get the hang of this, get into a routine or SOMETHING. But it is equally exhausting as the first day.  I am getting the same amount of sleep, same number of pumps, the same amount of time away from the kids, meals, etc.   I have a hard time keeping up with housework, and most of the time I just roll with it, trying to keep up. Sometimes it is depressing. 

Yesterday was one of those times where it was hectic,  yet I tried to keep a good attitude. Ella was the fussiest I think she's ever been. She must have had gas. We tried going for a walk with the family, and to spend time together doing fun things. Peter got tired on the couch, I had only one hour until I had to pump next so we really needed to get going if we were going to have some family fun.  We started our walk; Ella was uncomfortable and whining. We had troubles finishing our walk b/c she was fussy and when we got home, she wouldn't stop crying! I had to pump, so i encouraged the kids to get some goldfish to bring into the living room, and i assured them I would do some of their crafts while I pumped.  I think you have to be creative if you are going to make pumping work. It was 8:15, they needed a snack before bed and they wanted attention. I had to also pump, so this is how I could make it work.  Doing all three at once, a moms point of view. Ella was screaming in peters lap, he was beyond frustrated and just set her down and walked away, also mad that the kids were eating in the living room.  I shouted to him as he brought them into the kitchen.. I HAVE TO PUMP! this is how i have to make it work!  The kids ate their snack and instead of pumping I tried to nurse Ella. She got enough breastmilk to settle down and fall asleep, both her and I satisfied in our session and again, I strapped the pump on and began to pump. In enough time for the girls to finish their snack and come into the living room so I could read 3 books to them... quietly, because Ella was sleeping. After finishing pumping, Peter brushed their teeth and I read one more book to them. I came into the living room at about 9:10 and Ella was stirring, ready to eat. So I picked her up, fed her, put her to bed, washed bottles, put away dishes, washed up, pumped again, ready for bed..  No shower.  Sacrifice. Every last bit of energy and time are for my kids. I woke up at 2:30am, nursed Ella-- this seemed like the best nurse session yet, though she drank continually, it seemed her latch still wasn't quite right as it sort of hurt. She nursed for 7 minutes on my right, and then I coaxed her to nurse on my left side while lying down and that seemed to work best for her since the left is definitely not a preferred side! I felt her latch was better, until she spit it out and fell asleep at peace. I put her to bed, pumped for another half hour, and went to bed. She woke up 2 hours later and I fed her the rest of the bottle I pumped plus an ounce that was in the fridge. I am thinking she hardly got over an ounce but i'll never know.  Then now, at 6:30 I am pumping again. I'll try to go to sleep and wake up to maybe nurse/pump, breakfast, and hope to get a shower in.   This is my season, and i am praying that God will reveal his love to me in a special way since it gets so tiring. My hope is that I will have and continue to have a love for my kids that isn't full of resentment or bitterness from all the work I have to do for them. I'm praying for a miracle with nursing.... it would make things so much easier!  Please pray with me!

a gain

Right now it is 11 a.m. and I am pumping while with watching my 4, almost 5 year old hold my newborn baby in her arms while watching cartoons. It is such a sweet site and I wish I had my camera with me. For now I am content with just looking and remembering it. Maddy sat along with her, giving her sweet kisses while she slurped her bottle happily.  Ella keeps looking up at kate in what seems like amazement and Kate's hand cradles her head. I am blessed.

The weekend was so fun, I was so incredibly happy and felt so grateful. I should have known it would follow by a Satan-stricken day the day after. Sunday I woke up on the wrong side of bed, not exactly crabby but feeling worthless, ugly, and of course reminded of my post baby weight. Getting ready for church is not always fun when nothing fits how you would like it to, or remember anyway.  It was also sad to me that we had to miss being in our worship team the last two sundays.  It's just too hard. I napped though for an hour or so after lunch and showered, too...and I felt like a new person!

Yesterday was clearly a big day. This time we did not bring kids  - which was a relief.  I remember undressing Ella to get weighed thinking..."this is it, this is the big weigh in".  We set her down, and voila, 9 pounds 15 oz.  A whole pound.  In my mind I thought she gained for sure, but didn't expect a whole pound!  What a praise. I mostly feared cystic fibrosis, and even the thought of a metabolic disorder was scary.  I was so discouraged last week. I  began having thoughts of my milk supply and how it might not be sufficient for her. I began drinking less water and really not caring much about it. It was nice to go to a doctor that gave me a pep talk about how water is extremely important and encouraged me to keep going.   I tried nursing her yesterday. I felt her hard suck, but it was going no where.  I think if I want to make it work i need to work one-on-one with a Lactation consultant. I am not too sad anymore but I want to remember giving it my all before I close the door on it. It just seems so much work to try and nurse, pump after, and then feed her a bottle. That is twice what I am doing now... I'll have to make a decision. I think even if I could nurse her morning and night, that would be so nice. I hate, HATE, having to pump all the time, but hoping after a couple months it will get better.

Well, that's all for now. My pumping session is done and I better get lunch started!

rest

I have so many emotions running through me right now. It has been another rollercoaster weekend.  Sunday I spent most of the day crying and trying to get Ella to nurse. I believe Friday and Saturday were struggle days too, with some good feedings. I went to the doctor Thursday to bring Ella in for a weigh-in. I left humongously excited, and hopeful. Ella had gained 5 ounces! She had gained, and was doing well. I remember thinking I didn't have to wake her up every 4 hours, I could do a 5 hour stretch and then feed her 3 hours after. So I did that.  I quit pumping after because she had been gaining.1.5  I think that is where it began. I had more problems on my left breast... she wouldn't nurse. I feel like her thrush was still bothering her - I was feeling full at night that week I remember... suddenly Thursday I was not so full and she did not drink the best on that left side again. Friday and Saturday night I noticed a drop in my milk supply at night. When I pumped, I pumped less. Ella was waking up more during the night, and of course has been fussy from the start.  Why? Because she was hungry... at least more so this last week.


Yesterday was such a bittersweet day. I nursed Ella on both sides... she did fairly good, drinking a full 10 minutes on one side, and nursing fair on the left. I was encouraged. Of course she was fussy, but we ate breakfast, went out the door and I played with the kids. Ella fell asleep, like she normally does when she is fussy.  Every time though I would let her try to nurse more, she'd fall asleep, so I assumed she just loved to suck.  So we'd give her a pacifier.

 The girls and I went for a walk; I had Ella in her snugly and we went to the park near our house. I put maddy in the baby swing and I had a flashback of her at 6 months... her rolls, her toothless huge smile, and a white hat on her. I teared up thinking about how much they've both grown... how big they are getting.
  I thought... "I really need to invest in them... not the house, not in fancy meals.. in them".  So we went back home to get the camera and went for another walk.

This time we went across the street on the hill we sled in, and I watched them roll, run, and skip down the hill while I sang to them. Ella was still fast asleep. Making memories, and i loved it.  It was time to get back home to nurse Ella. She ate fairly well again, or so I thought anyway. I called to see when I could bring her in for her thrush that I thought was not clearing up, and they had an opening at 1:15.

 I brought the kids.... after-all... this will be short. It's just a check up to give her stronger meds. And a weight gain... I wonder how much she gained these last few days?   When we arrived, I had pumped out about 2 ounces... and had a half an ounce left over from pumping in the morning.  I asked to go into a room so I could nurse, and I got about 5 minutes of poor nursing in before a knock on the door directed us to check her weight.  Ok.  I was kinda dissappointed, -- I had to feed her. Anyway, we got her undressed, diaper off... on the scale.   8 pounds, 7.2 ounces.  4 whole ounces down from last Thursday.  How can this be?  The scale must be wrong, I thought.  I even said it outloud.  The nurse shrugged and said the scale cannot be wrong and told me to wait for the dr. to come in.  When she did, she looked at me as if I was a new mother and needed direction on how to feed my child. She was very concerned, and said she should be well over her birth weight. Which she should.  But she had a weight gain last week, we were working on it.  She replied saying "the bare minimum though". I started to cry.  This would be about the 100th time ive cried in two days most likely. She said we should check out thrush, recheck weight (I insisted) and then she would need to get blood drawn to make sure she is not dehydrated and that her kidneys are working.  Two hours later, we were out of there, and my poor kids sat there the whole time.

We discussed that i need to give her 3 oz every 3 hours until I bring her in on Wednesday. I might need to bring her in twice a week for weight checks and continue to feed her this amount. However I could get her the amount of fluids was up to me, but I needed to. I obviously had to pump a couple times. and then nurse, pump, and feed her the rest, and probably additional. Nursing didn't go well. It had earlier in the day... but now it wasn't. How? All along, she preferred a faster flow, and I just didn't have that for her. I never did.

It has been a huge exhausting month for me. Ups, downs, victories, and lots of pain both physically and emotionally. Right now I am nursing for 5 minutes on each side, which results in a fairly good feeding on my right side, not so good on my left. But the only reason I am doing this is so that she does not forget how to nurse... JUST in case I can get my milk supply up, and she can get a stronger suck, maybe she can nurse well after a few weeks?  I am hopeful. But then I realize quickly how much work it is to nurse, pump, feed, every two or three hours, keep up my drinking and eating, and rest. I am afraid to do housework because that might hurt my supply, afraid to go for walks with the kids.. all of my time is going to be devoted to Ella. That just isn't fair. I have two other kids to care for , play with and love.   It makes me cry every time just thinking about it, and I know that is also not good for my milk supply.   Please pray with me that i can get my milk supply up so that this can be easier. Kate goes to kindergarten next year... I have to really relish these next few months with my kids. When I have to spend time with Ella which is important, I feel guilty that they are playing themselves. When they go to grandmas or someone watches them for me, I feel even more guilty. I want to be with them. I miss the good old days when I could be with them, just didn't have energy to be active with them because of being pregnant.  one thing i thought id never say....i wish i was pregnant again ---ABOUT A MONTH LEFT, SO I COULD BE WITH MY GIRLS and start over with ella.  Moms out there.... be with yours kids as much as possible!!! Everything else can wait.