already here

Right now it is a little past 12am and I cannot sleep. Even though my body is aching and uncomfortable and my eyes are burning from tiredness, I am wide awake. Today has been a restful day, no doubt, yet I can't seem to shut off my wandering, stressed mind. Tonight we put up our tree, and though it was fun, it really wasn't. I realized what an impatient mother I am and have started praying that I can be more laid back. Decorating the tree was not enjoyable. Because I love things perfect, I could not string my beads and lights perfectly around the tree as I'd hoped; meanwhile, the kids were recklessly getting into all kinds of ornaments, breaking tops off, and making a mess. Kate was excited.... she wanted to decorate the tree. I don't blame her. I was, very much so, ripping out the last two strands of hair on my head just to get the girls to listen and be patient. I finally just sat down on my chase and silently cried. When Kate noticed, she said "Why are you sad?" and I just shrugged. I shrugged because there was no reason for my mood and grumpiness and it was silly to be upset that I'm a moron and can't light up a tree! She then said with a big smile, "When I am sad, music helps me feel better!"

It was easier and more enjoyable from then on but my prayer tonight for sure was to just enjoy our activities. So what if it's a mess. So what if it didn't go as planned. Part of everyone's problem these days is having high expectations.  Decorating was supposed to be fun, and I ruined part of it by letting my cramps and controlling mood get in the way. I need to find some scripture that will help remind me of this when I am in certain situations.

So, I can't sleep because I am thinking about all that happened tonight/today, all the things I have to do this week, and last but not least, blogging it.  Usually when I can't sleep, writing helps calm me down and it's like it erases from my mind for the night. Tomorrow I am hoping I can be laid back, get work done but also do fun things with the kids and just plain ol' enjoy our day. Isn't that what really matters? Yikes, I've got a lot to work on!

success

Today was a very successful day, but I am oh so tired. My body is aching right now because I have been on my feet all day, especially the afternoon. This morning I left early for my scheduled ultrasound appointment. I ended up in the waiting room for a half hour before I was seen but surprisingly after that, it went very quickly. I got to see the baby! I saw the little head... baby was moving alot and it appears that for the first time ever, I have a breech baby. I am fully aware that it changes probably often, but that explains why I have such low movement. The tech told me that the foot was right by the cervix.  I am hoping that is why I am having such cramps. 

I went to Target after and got a few gifts boughten and some cute wrapping paper along with some groceries. Vanilla Almond milk landed in  my cart unfortunately... I feel like I should try it again especially with my oatmeal. I unloaded groceries, got the kids to bed, and right away started on supper. It took all day.  Also made french bread and rolls for our brunch we're having tomorrow. I tried to clean as much as possible and when the kids went to bed, i was on the couch! I am feeling the effects of a pregnant body, that is for sure. It was so lovely to see Peter's reaction to the food I made him for supper. He kept shaking his head in amazement. It really was worth it.
I'll write more later but I also wanted to express my gratitude for such a good day. I am really looking forward to spending the weekend with my family!

short

well I guess i have to update this blog! I can't recall the last time I wrote in here. I had peter take a picture of me the other day but sadly it was cold and getting late and it didn't turn out how I'd hoped. I feel like my belly looks much bigger than this pose but it will have to do. I'm working on my 18th week this week... and i've had lots of cramps. I feel awful. I mostly just feel so delicate. What if I do too much? What if I lift something too heavy? It has been worrisome but I do still feel movement so that is a good sign.

At this point that's all I've really got. My eyes are starting to drop so I should try to take a power nap. I heard Maddy squeak and occasionally hear kate so not sure naps are in order today..for any of us!

first snowfall

Today...friends, was a good day. Since Sunday had been another great day, I should have known Monday would be a day of discouragement. Nothing really went wrong, my spirit just seemed down. I felt worthless again, much like my feelings a month ago. It was just one of those days that I had to really just shake it off. It finally got better once I brought Maddy to ECFE and dropped Kate off at a friends house, and got to see other moms. I was happy that Maddy got to go to 'school' and do some fun stuff with just me. Usually it is all about Kate, so it was really nice to have a night with her. I also got to talk to Kate's teachers and they had nothing but great things to say about her, and told me lots of neat details, like who she plays with, what she likes to do... etc. All things that Kate doesn't normally share. I do hear a lot about a friend that she plays with, so i can put two and two together most days. When I got home, I listened/watched a Beth Moore dvd while exercising on my elliptical. That felt so good!

Today I got to spend more time with Maddy and cleaned the house off and on throughout the morning. It was so pretty to see the snow falling outside while I had an actual clean living room, clean dining room, and candles lit in the house. I finished my meal plan for the week on Monday night so I was prepared for the meals today and worked ahead for supper. By the way, supper was a hit. Not with the kids, of course, but with Peter! He raved over both meals, which made me feel so good because earlier I had prayed that I'd be able to bless and encourage him. If you hadn't read before, one of his love languages is making meals for him (service) and so this was even encouraging to me that I could do a good job. When he got home from work, we had some coffee, a snack, and played outside. Following supper we roasted marshmallows and had homemade hot cocoa. What a day.

already monday

This weekend was fun but it went so fast. I feel like the baby is really going through some major growth spurt because it has surely made me very tired lately, much more tired than I'm used to. Before I really tried to fight taking naps in the afternoons because it was my only chance to get a few extra things done, but this week I really couldn't do it. This morning, the kids are sleeping in and I am still very tired so I am afraid naps will be pretty much non existent. They've been napping so well lately, too. Maybe it's just the weather!

On saturday we stuck around the house most of the day, and after naps headed to my mother in laws to visit Chelsie who was around for the weekend. The girls were asking to go there all day. We ate supper and hung out, and then when we got home we got to have date night! It was so needed. We've really been working hard at being helpful to one another, showing love to eachother in ways that the other needs it; for me its being helpful around the house, for him it is making him food/snacks and being loving, like giving him a hug. Sunday was fun and convicting, our usual eggs and bacon lunch was spectacular (it's what i crave these days) naps, straighten up the house for 10 minutes, harvest banquet at our church, and home again to more discussion with Peter. He also did the dishes for me! It is almost too good to be true. I am loving our new look on being a servant for each other and this morning before work he attempted to write me a love note before leaving.... until I ruined it by waking up. He is really trying.... I hope God blesses him.

I slept great until about 5 when my dream awoke me. I had a dream about a mouse crawling in my chair under the blankets. So naturally when I woke up, I really did think there was a mouse in the bed. So i was shuffling covers, which woke up Peter, which made me wide awake, which made me aware of my cold, which kept me up because I had to blow my nose every 5 seconds, which also kept Peter up. I felt so bad. It seems when we pray for a good nights sleep, it never happens, which then makes me wonder if it is Satan trying to mess that up so that we will be upset with God. So when Peter got up to go to the bathroom I put my hand on his side of the bed and prayed over it, also reciting "greater is he who lives in me, than he who lives in the world".  All better.  Well i must go. It is 8:30 and the kids are still sleeping so I am pondering waking them up! Have a good day!

discipline

we're almost done with the bedroom. We didn't work on it yesterday because we both were exhausted, but all we have left are the shelves in our closets to dust and hoping to throw out some clutter. By the time nap time comes, all my motivation seems to slip out the door and I end up on the couch either taking a short snooze or trying to catch up on projects on the computer/photos, or any readings i've started. Most of that ends up with falling asleep from seriously drowsy eyes-book/computer on my lap.

I've also decided today it is important to wash some windows in the next couple days. I haven't showered yet today and probably won't get to, but I am hoping that I can get past the energy flop to go outside with the kids and do a few windows while they play outside. We also planned to pick the remaining leaves that are on the ground or still on the trees. But for right now, I am quite content in resting to build up any motivation I have for the rest of the day. This morning we had fun going through Abram and Sarai and their big move. We did a couple of activities and the kids enjoyed that. I also planned to decorate some cookies with them, nothing fancy, just sprinkles. It's for their fun, not mine.  It is really important to have some fun activities and some type of structure otherwise the days seem awfully long. I keep thinking about this verse in proverbs: " A servant pampered from youth will turn out to be insolent.". (disrespectful) I feel like the Lord has shown me the same with children. So many parents pamper their children, don't want to see them sad because they have to do work, or it's easier to just let the kids do what they want instead of arguing (guilty of the last one!) .  Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire.  Cleaning up is discipline. My kids need to know that they need to clean up their mess, and this goes for when they are at others' homes too.  I remember having lots of play dates and none of the parents except maybe one or two would help clean up the toys. Having 8 or more kids can produce a ton of mess and that is not fun at all for a mom who has to clean it up by herself. It is just respectful, so I want my kids to be respectful and know their jobs.  So, that is what we're working on this week. hardcore. And if they lie to me that they've cleaned up, they get disciplined.

What else is God showing me this week..... he is showing me that my home needs to be a place of tranquility for my husband. Who wants to come home to a chaotic house? Not me.  I want my husband to want to come home, so I need to make sure that it is that way.  How, i'm not sure, since it seems the kids get super wound up that their dad is home and start crying about little things and what not. That is something we'll be working on. Well, I am planning to do some reading in my book before the kids get up and then I suppose we'll go outside... though I am so nice and warm on my heating pad right now!

{star student}

Kate was the star student today. She talked about it all week. I brought in a photo of her, and one of the whole family so that she could post it on the star student bulletin board. She got to bring a favorite toy (she brought a book) , a favorite snack, and she got to be a special girl today. Today was a super productive day though I still tried as much as I could to enjoy Maddy. We worked on some fun stuff,  played upstairs, and just plain hung out. It always is really fun to just enjoy one of the kids. During nap time I worked on some projects for the harvest banquet at our church on Sunday and met my goal. It made me feel good that I could actually start and complete something without giving up because of zero energy.

Tonight though, I plan to get to bed early to catch up on sleep. This morning I brought kate to school and when I got back, Peter was about to leave for work and I got to enjoy another 45 minutes to myself. Maddy slept in really late and I was worried so I checked on her. She was just sound asleep.  I did some reading in my new bible study series at church "Lies Women Believe" and it has been really comforting to me at this time. I just love how God shows up and shows how much he cares. Just the other day I was telling Peter how discouraged I was about going to my triad because it seems like such a struggle to find a day that works for everyone. Then when I get to bible study, one of the girls explained how God had been reminding her of how many memories she had growing up in the church. She was happy until she realized that she was stripping her kids of these same memories they could be having.  They haven't been going to church in a long while.  This triad is worth it. Look how much growth is happening! God encouraged me immediately and I was no longer dissapointed. Anyway, I have some triad reading to do so I better do that and then Peter and I will do our marriage devotion and OFF. TO . BED.  I'm so tired!!

a room a day

oh nuts. I have a cold again. My nose is usually plugged and now I am starting to have an itchy throat. Depending on the severity of the plugged nose, I might take that over coughing. Coughing was so miserable the two whole months i had it. It just never seemed to give in and every time I coughed, I felt my whole body ache and I'd especially get cramps. I was so grateful for last night because I was positive I'd have to sleep on the couch, but I fell asleep fairly quickly and didn't cough too much. I am pretty sure having 3 pillows to prop my head up helped.

Today was my 15 week appointment. I mostly feel pregnant every day but sometimes when I look in the mirror I really have to take a second look. I feel the strains of pregnancy but not many kicks for  reminders. Today I felt a whole lot more. It's usually at night, (like right now :) ) but today while in G.F., I felt some too. Today had its ups and downs but overall it was pretty fun. My appointment went well, I got a flu shot, I got some maternity clothing (though I got three things, I think I will take them back to get a larger size so that I can grow into them, depending on how baggy it is. They fit perfect now with a little room to grow but I'd like them to fit 'til the end of my pregnancy.......wish I would have thought of that then!)  I got a shirt, another pair of pants, and some black pants for church. To this day I own two maternity jeans, two maternity shirts, and one dress pants.  I probably don't need much more but it is nice to have some variety, especially during the holiday get-to-togethers.  I really can't wear anything snug... I get cramps.

I also purchased a bunch of things for our harvest banquet on sunday and plan to do a project for that. We'll see how much time I get. I picked up a few different cards I plan to use for Christmas cards (I like to see how they turn out before I order 200!), got some things dry-cleaned, and got lots of groceries. Tomorrow I visit with two friends (at different times) and then have my bible study at night.  We had the girls pick up their toys tonight~ extra well~ and I did the dishes/made supper while Peter brought the girls outside. After the girls went to bed, we worked on our bedroom. Honestly, we dusted furniture, washed walls, and took everything dusty out of the room. This will most likely be a 3 day project (or 4 or 5) but we felt it was especially necessary because we've been sleeping very poorly lately. Tomorrow we will take all furniture and vacuum behind furniture and under beds, curtains are in the wash now, tomorrow bedding (which is done every 1-2 weeks anyway) and sometime maybe tomorrow or the next we will take everything off shelves and dust and put back. This means we'll get to throw out a bunch of stuff (hopefully)  Yesterday I threw out a ton of magazines. I tried not to look at them because I just knew i'd think "oh, I'll read that soon" and I never do. I did keep one though...   so, tomorrow, or thursday I really need to throw or sell some of the shoes/purses i have in my closet and it will be nice to have the clothes more organized. I bought two more tubs for the storage of clothing for both maddy and I, and those will hopefully go upstairs sometime this week.  Ah, motivation. I love it, but it is sure tiring. Washing walls really made me realize that it doesn't take very long. I might just do a room a day.

leggings

who knew i would sort of like leggings. I don't love them because I am still getting used to them, but I am warming up to the idea. It is mostly because I get very crampy wearing maternity jeans or any jeans that jar into my stomach. Leggings are just more comfortable -- IF i have good boots or flats to wear with them. I really am trying to drink more water but I just never remember. I have an appointment on Tuesday so I am going to make my dr. give me an in-office ultra-sound. I only get cramps when I sit. So, that means I can't sit at the table, car, or sit on the floor with my kids (without getting cramps). The nurses told me to avoid that position. How in the world can I do that?! Praying everything is okay.

Today was a fun day, especially in the morning. I got a few deals while shopping in a nearby town. It mostly just felt good to get out. I'm definitely looking forward to the extra hour of sleep tonight. Hoping my girls will enjoy it too.

got it.

I think we caught the culprit. I hope.  It all started after nap. I went into the kitchen and STILL saw a bunch of fruit flies buzzing around. what in the world. I really took a huge sigh and decided it was time. Time to start cleaning out the kitchen and finding this decaying fruit or vegetable that is causing these flies to reproduce. So i began with the pot rack. I took everything off the top and cleaned it and sprayed vinegar on it. Then I started spraying the flies with the mixture and one by one they'd fall off the ceiling, I think dead. Maybe they flew away, I don't know. It's not like it was an overwhelming amount. These suckers were hiding! That is why it was so shocking to me each time a bowl of dead flies would appear; hundreds of dead flies. where are they coming from?!

Peter got home around 5pm or maybe even after and asked if we could go outside. I then asked him if I could stay inside to try to get rid of this fly issue. So I cleaned most of the counter-tops, the table, the cabinet doors, and got rid of a lot of junk.  I was going to go into the garage for something and noticed a whole bunch of flies in that room. what in the world, again!!!?? This door is always closed, how are they getting there?  So, after killing them both with water and a fly swatter, I left and later returned with a basket of clothes.  MORE.  oh. my. word.   Peter told me to not worry about it and save my energy for something else.  Easy for him! This is a failure for me. Fail! We are dirty slobs, I think.   I went downstairs to put the clothes in and turned the corner............... and low and behold, a dirty, rotten sack of potatoes and tons of fruit flies feeding on it!  I yelled for Peter... actually I sprinted upstairs and yelled for him and impatiently asked him to come down right away. He had just started a book for the girls and said he needed to finish.  I was excited yet extremely grossed out and couldn't believe he was willing to wait another second to get rid of the flies.   So, poor Peter ended up cleaning out the bag and sanitizing everything around it.

I hope this is the end. It really needs to be. I just need to focus on getting back to the way it was before pregnancy and keeping it that way. I feel now that since Peter has watched the girls, he's taken more responsibility and is helpful. Last night in our devotional specifically on marriage that we've been doing, the main point was that actions speak louder than words. He can tell me a hundred times that he loves me but somehow the things he does for me speaks much louder!