discouraged

Many lessons have been learned in the last week I would say. What a week!  God is showing and confirming things to me each time I ask... without going into much detail about my last triad meeting, (we are training to disciple others) I left discouraged. I left wondering why God has put me in certain situations or places, or with certain people. A few days later I got a card in the mail (encouragement) confirming what I thought God was telling me.  That probably doesn't make sense to you but I'd rather not explain too much.

On the way to bemidji this weekend, we were listening to some podcasts by Chip on KFNW. In our Triad meetings, everyone is reading through certain books of the bible, only multiple times. For example, last week we went through James... and in one week, we are to read 20-24 chapters... so in James, since there's only about 5 chapters, we read through the book of James at least 4-5 times. It was a real blessing because then certain things pop up each time you read it, and I began to understand it more.  It just so happened that our podcast was on the first chapter of James....it was on discouragement. We didn't get to listen to a lot of it because we were in and out of the car (we had just arrived in bemidji) but one of the question asked was: "what makes you most discouraged?"  and i remember telling peter how discouraged I get when I know people are mad at me.  The next day I am shopping and my loving husband gives me some spending money. I had forgotten it in the car and asked him to bring it in for me -- within 5 minutes I lost it.  It pretty much wrecked my whole day... I let that wreck my whole day.  I was so discouraged... not so much about the money (though i know it is just a 'thing' and is replaceable, i was still sad that it was gone)- I was really just feeding myself lies of "you're worthless", "you can't do anything right", "you always let people down", "someone's always mad at you", etc.  The whole day.. then i began to think: "you're so fat, ugly, no one likes you" etc.  As we went to go eat, Kate started complaining that her stomach hurt.  and I really believed her, she did not look good at all. You could just tell that it was an upset stomach and I really had thoughts that she was getting the flu (others in our extended family had just been sick with the flu) so both peter and I were just in dissapointing moods. I finally just told my mother in law what had happened, with tears coming down my face, and i felt like I had let all those lies come rushing out of my body. I could tell she felt badly and just being able to tell another christian what was bothering me was helpful. Out of no where, kate said "I feel better!" which to me is a miracle after the way she looked. I really felt like i was under attack at that point... and after hearing many stores of how Satan can physically make people ill -- one of his most unknown ways of getting to people is through discouragement. It's like a mask... he uses it so that we can't rebuke him because we don't know what the cause is. It is so important to know the difference between having a bad day, or Satans attacks.

One thing I got out of my James readings this last week were two things:  Is my life revolving around things that can change? If so, my life will look like I'm riding the rocky seas.. up and down, up and down. What can I control? I can't control that I lost that money. Our thoughts on that were, maybe it was for someone who really needed it. If so, I am more than happy to be apart of Gods plan. My hope is that I can look through situations in Gods eyes... if I have problems/situations and keep focusing on it, that's going to be my perspective in life. (vs 9-12) I need to look at Gods perspective and have a willful dependency on God because circumstances change!!

Another thing I took from it was making sure I am asking in faith. Faith means that I have confidence that Gods promises are true and that I trust Him. If I am double minded like James says, that means I am still asking God to give me an answer to something... but then when he tells me, then I say "uh, well that's not what I wanted to hear" and basically ignore what He's said. From now on when I ask... I need to ask for supernatural wisdom and understanding how to do what God wants me to do in a situation... and then learn to do whatever God's wisdom is.  It's like writing your name on a check  and cashing it in. Once you sign it.... you need to follow through. Before you ask, you cannot in the back of your mind have a thought that you might not follow through with it... God already knows this! For example if I asked (which this is just an example) "God, what am I supposed to do in this situation?"  and God says "Move to another state"... I need to trust that it's the right decision. Hopefully that makes sense... another example was my hopelessness with Kate being potty trained. I kept asking for wisdom on what to do... and felt like he was telling me to be patient, but I really thought, no way... I can't. Time will not heal her... she is afraid of the potty!

Today really has been a longgg longgg day. Bedtime was definitely a sigh of relief. It seems like after a trip like this, it takes a while for the girls to get back to normal. I thought I ate good today and exercised well, so overall I am pleased. So far my new years resolution is going well... I am baking alot, exercising and eating good, - the craft thing is on hold but once in a while I get to do a little something.  That's all for now.... reading and bedtime for this girl.